A Complicated Thing
by Mr. K.H
Summary: New feelings of longing begin to arise, but they clash with a familiar sense of loneliness, numbness, and self-loathing. While Kakashi has always seen Sakura's feelings for Sasuke, understanding why was another matter. How long can he watch from the sidelines? Post-The Last & Kakashi Shinden, pre-Naruto Gaiden.


I

"It's too bad you missed the wedding, Sasuke. The whole village was there! Except for you, of course. I kept looking out in the crowd for you the entire time, ya know? So make sure the next time you come to the village that you stop by and get to know Hinata! Hey, I know, we can all get some ramen! Sakura can come, too! And Kakashi-sensei! They all miss you, too, ya know?"

There were another two pages to Naruto's letter, but Sasuke's eyes faded from the text. Scanning through the pages, he caught no message of emergency. His gaze then drifted to the photograph of Naruto and his new bride that came in the same envelope, dimly lit by the campfire. The vision of blue eyes and a toothy smile brought back memories of competing on who could climb to the top of the tree first, who could eat the most food, who could run the fastest, who could defeat the strongest enemies, who could beat the other in a fight, who could pretend to hate the other the most. The closest Sasuke had ever seen those blue eyes was the day they were assigned to the same team, when Naruto and he had accidentally lost their first kiss together.

Looking at Naruto's image now was like feeling a ray of sun magnified through a glass window on a winter day. He was like the taste of a fresh garden tomato. He wasn't like anybody else. He was home. Sasuke realized he had the faintest smile on his lips. It faded when he looked at the image of the woman next to him.

Hinata was… Hinata.

With a grimace, Sasuke pinched the top of the image with both hands, pulled down, and slowly tugged around Naruto's likeness. After setting the letter and Naruto's half of the photograph next to where he sat, Sasuke held the other half out to the fire where it crinkled, burned, and disappeared.

The cicadas sang in the trees surrounding him as Sasuke sat in the clearing, alone with the fire and darkness.

* * *

II

Konoha's most pressing issue all summer was the searing heat. Kakashi felt the palms of his hands burn as they were wrapped around the handles of Guy's wheelchair. Their sweating heads were turned up to the six-faced mountain hovering above Konoha as they were being passed on the road by pedestrians of all ages, going any direction. Kakashi could feel all of their eyes on him.

Adults shifted their eyes with curiosity and the children pointed at the man in the huge white robe and strange hat. As a boy he was known as the legendary White Fang's son, the child genius of his generation, Kakashi of the Sharingan… But being the village celebrity is on a whole other level than being a famous ninja.

They whispered amongst each other, "There he is! The Hokage!"

Shifting his eyes left to right, Kakashi could only wonder just how the other Kages managed to go outside without breaking down. Reviewing paperwork, assigning missions to lower ranked shinobi all day, and having to wear this blasted robe in the middle of the summer felt like punishment enough. After all this time, Kakashi was still adjusting to the weight of the thick white drapes pulling him down to the floor.

Guy laughed at the sight above them as he turned his head back to look at his target of mockery, "Even as a rock, you look miserable. They really captured you, rival!"

Guy's wheelchair began to squeak as Kakashi pushed forward, "I don't look miserable."

Crossing his arms, Guy furrowed his thick eyebrows and grumbled, "Harumph, I don't look miserable!" He pointed to the second face on the mountain, "You can't see most of your face but you still give Hokage Tobirama a run for his grumpy money!"

"Hey, I'm not that bad. What reason do I have to be miserable, anyway?"

Guy's hand cut through the air, "Hey, wait!"

Stopping the wheelchair again, Kakashi sighed, "What's the matter this time?"

"Let's see... we're about…" Closing his eyes, his voice trailed off into a mumble for a moment, "A mile from the dango shop!"

"Yeah."

Gai's voice boomed suddenly, "In that case-!" His arms catapulted himself from his wheelchair, and the people around watched it roll over the Hokage and knock him to the to the dirt. Guy landed on his hands with his legs straight up into the air and moved as though his arms were legs had switched places.

Kakashi smiled, sighed, and scoffed all in one breath as he shoved the wheelchair off. Guy's voice called out to him as he became rapidly smaller in the distance, "First one to the dango shop buys!"

He imagined himself calling out to Guy but he only had enough energy brush the dirt off of his Hokage robe, collapse the wheelchair, and walk after him. He was sure a free meal would make Guy's day, and Kages are never short of money anyway.

As he walked the streets alone he looked back up to the image of himself in the rock and let out a sigh. He did look miserable. No matter how much money he had, how many friends he had, how comfortable of a home he had, how high of a status he had, melancholy had always been latched onto him, weighing him down like his robe. But he couldn't shed this feeling, or lack of feeling, at night and it didn't keep him warm when the air got cold. It helped to be numb on the battlefield when comrades were falling left and right. But this was a time of peace. Every morning he woke up with all the reason for happiness, and he waited, but happiness never came.

A flash of pink from the other side of the road caught his eye. Turning, he saw Sakura and Ino gazing into the window of a clothes shop together. Unlike him, they were dressed casually, and carried various shopping bags. Sakura's soft pink hair had grown just past her shoulders now, he noted, and her skin was beginning to show a sunburn.

Ino pointed to the price tag of a sparkling red dress worn by a mannequin in the window, and Sakura's face pouted. Kakashi was too far to hear Ino's words as she spoke, but Sakura responded with a hearty laugh, which he heard clearly. He smiled. Then, as though Sakura had heard something, her face turned in Kakashi's direction. He held up a hand to wave at her, and with a warm smile she did the same.

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei!" Ino sing-songed from the window before pulling Sakura his way, "Oh, I mean… Hey, Lord Hokage!"

"Good day, Ino," he said with casualty. He turned his gaze back to Sakura as they approached, and said with a softer tone, "Sakura. How are you?"

"Any news from Sasuke-kun?" was the first thing she asked. There was a hint of hope in her eyes.

He should have known.

She should have known the answer was a flat, "No."

Sakura's small smile fell as her gaze met the ground. "Oh. Ok. That's fine..."

Even if she didn't realize it, her eyes drooped, her brows tensed, and her lips pouted. As much as he could not understand her longing, there was still a straining moment of silence as Kakashi reached through the back of his mind to search for some comforting word. Before he could find one, Ino wrapped her arm around the back of Sakura's neck and pulled her closer, "Don't worry, I'm sure he'll come back any day now! Right, sens- er… Lord Hokage?"

"Oh. Yeah. I'm sure," he lied.

Ino's smile became sly, "And when he does, maybe you can get him to go on a double date! You, Sasuke, Sai, and me!"

Kakashi's eyes rolled to the corners of his lids as he imagined the silent and brooding Uchiha glaring down at his dinner as though it had done something wrong. Killed his clan, maybe. Sakura, of course, would be clinging on his arm despite that Sasuke was as unresponsive as a busted walkie-talkie. Ino would be blabbing about something, and Sai would fake a laugh as though what she said was actually funny. The Hokage's eyes narrowed and the corner of his mouth stretched to the side of his face at the thought. He was certain the girls' visions of such an unlikely occurrence were radically different.

Sakura brought his thoughts back to the present moment. "Sensei, what's the wheelchair for?"

Snickering, Ino crossed her arms, "Guy-sensei broke another one, probably."

"We're meeting Kurenai for some dango. I was pushing him along, but you know Guy. He insisted on walking there. On his hands."

Sakura let out a sigh, "That sounds like him. Imagine if Lee was there, too."

"Yeah," Kakashi smiled, "In that case, they'd probably be walking on their _fingers_."

"They'd be _racing_ on their fingers!"

"To the mountain," Kakashi chuckled.

Sakura's laugh picked up, "And to the top!"

"And back down again!"

Sakura flashed her muscles in a power pose and yelled in a manly voice, "Winner gets to do five thooouuuusand push-ups!"

Even Kakashi raised his voice as he echoed her pose, "The power of eternal youth!"

The two burst out into a laugh that bent them over with their arms folded at their stomachs. Kakashi's laugh brought Ino back a step, while it only caused Sakura to laugh harder.

After a moment, Ino gently gasped, "...That's new!"

Bringing his laughter back down so he could manage a word, Kakashi asked, "What is?"

"That! I can't say I've ever seen you laugh before, sensei!"

Kakashi scratched the back of his head, "Oh. Well… Uh..." he paused as a couple more chuckles made their way out.

Then, a distant whooping sound echoed in the sky. They all turned as they recognized it came from the direction of the dango shop. "Gooooaaallll! I win!" Guy's voice boomed, "Eternal youth reigns victorious!"

"I better get going," Kakashi said, "It was good seeing you again, Sakura."

Sakura smiled,"You too, sensei."

"I, uh… hope to see you again soon," he said, suddenly hoping it didn't sound weird.

Sakura nodded, "Take care."

"Bye-bye, Lord Hokage!" Ino waved as they began in different directions.

A couple more chuckles came from Kakashi as he made his way to Guy and Kurenai. He nearly forgot what his own laugh sounded like, and he couldn't remember when he last heard Sakura laugh like that either. He had to admit, it was a sweet sound. He turned his head and watched Sakura's back grow small in the distance.

* * *

III

The slurping sound of strawberry slushies disappearing through straws came from Sakura and Ino as they sat on a park bench. Their shopping bags next to their feet as they watched children and their parents splashing in the river in front of them. The cicadas sang in the trees and the dragonflies glided from plant to plant.

"So good," Sakura hummed. She looked to Ino, sure for a reply.

"Yeah…" Ino said simply. Waiting for some other input, Sakura watched as Ino took slow, small sips, from her drink. Her eyes were drooped and unfocused in the distance.

"Do you have a brain freeze or something?"

Ino shook her head.

After a moment, Sakura lowered her slushie spoke softly, "...Hey, are you OK?"

Ino nodded.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," she sighed, "It's just… I was thinking… You're so lucky, you know? And you probably don't even know it."

Sakura snickered, "What's this all about? Jealous that I got the last velvet laced bra at the store?"

"You should spend more time with your sensei, billboard brow."

Leaning back as though her words had physically pushed her, Sakura stammered, "Wh- what are you talking about? That would be… kind of weird. I mean, with Naruto always being with Hinata nowadays, and Sasuke's... gone all the time… Well, wouldn't it would be… kinda…"

"It's just, you get along so well with your sensei. You're so nice to each other and you get to crack jokes about Lee and Guy, and..."

Sakura blushed, "What are you getting on about?!"

Ino turned her head so Sakura could not see her tears, "I can't crack jokes with my sensei anymore..."

"Oh," Sakura's voice flinched. She placed her hand on her friend's shaking shoulder, "Oh, Ino…"

"Kakashi is your sensei. A good one. And you still have him," Ino's voice became flat, "If I still had Asuma-sensei… even if just for a day…"

Sakura reached her arms around Ino and held her close. Ino returned Sakura's gesture, and let out a quivering sigh. She spoke softly as she rested her head on Sakura's shoulder, "You're always the type to focus on wanting what you don't have. Please, don't take things like that for granted, or you'll end up hating yourself when it's gone. Trust me."

For a moment, Sakura saw Kakashi's laughter in her mind's eye. Then, for the first time, she imagined the pain of losing him for good. Through the years she had feared losing Naruto and Sasuke, but never before had she realized that no matter how dangerous the world they lived in was, she had always assumed Kakashi would be there to see one more time.

* * *

IV

People in the Hokage's office building jumped and dodged to the walls as Naruto ran full speed through the middle of the hall with a single piece of paper in his hand. "Kakashi-sensei," he called out as he reached the office door, opening it abruptly. He held the paper up in the air as he entered the Hokage's office, "Kakashi-sensei I've got-!"

Contrary to Naruto's expectations, he found a woman with glasses and a blonde bun sitting at the Hokage's desk. Stacks of paper almost as tall as her were to her right and left as she dragged a pen across the paper in front of her. She then set it on the stack of paper to her right. She looked up and said, "Ah, Uzumaki Naruto. I wasn't expecting you."

Naruto glanced from side to side before he spoke with a painfully forced tone of friendliness, "Oh, hey. Uh… _you_."

"We've gone over this. It's Ume. Yamanaka Ume."

Making his way closer to the desk, Naruto glanced around the office as though he would find someone hiding there, "Yeah, yeah. Say, where's Kakashi-sensei?"

Taking another piece of paper from the stack to her left, she began to write again, "He's out for lunch. What do you need this time? More ramen money, I presume?"

"What? No!"

"More date money?"

"No! ...I mean, that would be nice, but..." Naruto held the paper in his hand to the woman.

Unfolding the paper, Ume's eyes scanned the ink inside. She spoke darkly, "This...this is…"

Naruto tilted his head, "What?"

Ume looked up with a glare in her eye, "This is… the worst handwriting I've ever seen."

"Give him a break," Naruto growled, "It's hard to write when you don't have a fancy Hokage's desk to do it on!"

Ume's eyebrows furrowed as she recognized the signature at the bottom. Naruto chuckled as he waited with arms crossed as she read through the note. After a moment of silence, she set it down and sighed. She opened her mouth to speak, but before she could, the door behind them opened.

"Naruto?" Kakashi asked from the door, "What's wrong? Need more ramen money?"

Naruto's face lit up as he turned to his former master, "Kakashi-sensei!"

"Master Kakashi," Ume said sternly as she stood from the desk. She held up the note so the ink faced the Hokage, "Sasuke Uchiha will be temporarily returning to Konoha."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, "What? Already?" His voice trailed off, "It's only been a year this time..."

"Yes!" Naruto squealed as he danced on his feet, "Isn't this great?" He giggled like a little girl before realizing what he was doing, and then grew quiet. He brushed his fingers through his hair. "I mean... Yeah, Sasuke's coming back."

"Temporarily," Ume said flatly.

Naruto cheered, "Yeah, but he's coming back!"

"Temporarily."

"For what reason?" Kakashi asked.

Naruto shrugged, "What reason does he need?"

"Tch," Ume scoffed, her eyes veering away as she slowly shook her head in disbelief.

Noticing her upset expression, Naruto stuck his face directly in hers, "What? Got a problem?"

Ume's amber eyes locked with Naruto's. "I've only got a question. For what reason should he even have the freedom to come and go as he pleases? He's a criminal."

"Oh no," Kakashi said to himself as though he had seen the future.

"What?! Sasuke is not a criminal!"

"Did you forget how he betrayed the village?"

Slamming the palms of his hands on the desk, Naruto leaned forward as his voice became louder and louder, "Back off, four-eyes! He said he was sorry!"

Ume echoed Naruto when she slammed her hands on the desk, leaning forward to the point that Naruto had to lean back again, "Which crime did he apologize for? Abandoning Konoha, joining forces with the man who plotted to destroy Konoha and killed our third Hokage, joining Akatsuki, or attempting to kill the Kages on two separate occasions?"

Naruto gripped the collar of her shirt and growled, "You…!"

"Naruto, wait," Kakashi called out as he stepped closer.

Ume spoke through her teeth as though asking him to throw a punch, "If he said he's so sorry for his actions and intentions, then why don't we just go through our prisons and ask who else is sorry? Then Sasuke won't be the only criminal scum free on the streets."

Raising his fists, the noise of Naruto's yelling reached through the door and into the hallways, "Sasuke's not the scum here, you-!" Just as he lunged forward, Kakashi's arms reached around from behind him and pinned at the back of his head.

Squirming and kicking, Naruto seethed, "Kakashi-sensei, you can't let her talk about Sasuke like that!"

"Naruto, calm yourself!," Kakashi scowled the way he did when his dogs peed inside, "And Ume, what are you thinking, provoking someone?"

"I apologize, Master Kakashi," she said with a lowered head, "That wasn't my intention. I simply do not understand the situation."

"Let me go!," Naruto pulled himself left and right, "Let me-"

"Naruto," Kakashi said into his ear as he tightened his arms, "What would your wife think if she saw you like this?"

Naruto's kicking slowed as he looked from Kakashi to the floor. After taking a few seconds of contemplation, he took a deep breath in and out, and his muscles relaxed. Kakashi's arms loosened from his neck and set him free. Rubbing the back of his neck, Naruto's face remained stern as he refused to look up at the woman.

"I have another question to ask," Ume said to Naruto, "If it won't make you too mad."

"What?" Naruto grumbled.

"Why didn't Sasuke Uchiha alert us about this?"

Kakashi looked to Ume, "What do you mean?"

Holding out the note to Kakashi, she let him take it to see for himself as she explained, "This letter came to Naruto, and he brought it in for us to see. But there is no word in this note asking him to alert us, and we've received no notification from him otherwise."

Naruto crossed his arms and shrugged his shoulders, "Why should he ask the Hokage? Besides, he's probably sending another note."

After reviewing the note, Kakashi asked, "When did you get this?"

"Last night."

Ume's frown persisted, "If he sent another note by a carrier bird it would have gotten here by now."

Kakashi pictured Sakura's disappointment from only a couple hours ago when he told her that they had no word from Sasuke. The way her eyes drooped and her eyebrows tensed. The way her soft lips pouted. "I see… We should alert Sakura as well."

"Oh, yeah! We should!" Naruto smiled as he skipped to the door, already having forgotten about the fight from thirty seconds ago, "She'll be so happy!"

Ume straightened the collar of her shirt that Naruto had wrinkled as she coldly watched the door close behind him. Kakashi let out a sigh and looked to her, "I apologize for his behavior. Sasuke is a sensitive subject with Naruto. They've been close ever since they were boys, and he's sacrificed so much to bring Sasuke home after everything that's happened." Ume nodded as Kakashi went silent for a short moment. He looked to the door where Naruto had exited, and spoke again, "It's not just that, though. They… they see themselves in each other, despite how different they are. When you accuse Sasuke of being a criminal, to Naruto it sounds like you're also accusing himself."

"Yes, Master Kakashi. I apologize as well. I should have sensed his anger and fixed my tone. But if I may say..." Ume kept her head lowered, "I know I'm in no position to undo a criminal's pardon… but I'm also in no position to understand it."

Kakashi's glance went from Ume to his feet, "...You're right," he sighed. But the truth was, she didn't know half of the things Sasuke had done.

Ume never saw his cold attitude for his teammates before he defected. She hadn't seen the way he brought Sakura to tears without even trying, tears that Kakashi could only dry with blatant lies. Ume wasn't there when Kakashi had to carry Naruto's beaten, dying body from the Valley of the End after trying to bring Sasuke back home when they were just boys. Only Kakashi had been there to save Sakura in the nick of time before Sasuke nearly drove his fist through her heart with the very technique Kakashi had taught him. She had not seen how Sakura loved him with all her heart, only for Sasuke to make her feel like she never mattered. But he had. He saw it all.

In his mind, he saw himself years ago as he was surrounded by ripped, ruined earth. His face was caked with dirt, sweat, and blood. His chakra was gone, his muscles were shot. All he could do was watch over Sakura's limp, unconscious body, her eyes spilling tears as Naruto and Sasuke ran off together to the Valley of the End to fight each other one last time.

His hands gently turned her over onto her back and he waited for her to wake. In those long, silent, aching moments, he knew she didn't have to be a ninja. Unlike all of her teammates, Sakura hadn't come from a traditional shinobi family. She never had to prove herself in such a dangerous way. She could have been a regular student, a shop owner, a painter, a chef, a librarian, a musician, anything else. But she chose to be a ninja. And although she was born with no special ability or privileges, she learned how to crush the earth with her fist, she learned to heal those on the brink of death, she survived a war, she even surpassed her hokage. After all that, she asked for nothing in return other than for someone to just acknowledge her.

In that moment she laid on the dirt, her face dripping tears, her body covered in wounds, and the one person she gave everything for rejected her love and knocked her out as though she meant nothing to him. As though nothing she ever did meant anything at all.

Kakashi knew how to kill, how to survive, how to sniff out lies, how to decode the most subtle secrets, it felt like he knew everything. But he couldn't grasp how anyone could want do something so heartless to such a kind, smart, amazing, beautiful young woman. But he figured that he wasn't any better. He didn't know how he couldn't be strong enough to help her. Looking back, he didn't know how all those years went by without him realizing that he neglected her while his attention was consumed by Sasuke's potential. All that time he spent teaching Sasuke his most dangerous secrets, but for what? For him to run away and nearly kill his own teammates, on more than one occasion.

He asked himself, if he had only spent time to teach Sakura even one of the secrets that he taught Sasuke, would she still be laying here, covered in wounds and tears?

Feeling a tug at his heart, his eyes slammed shut and his fists gripped at the fabric of his clothes. His body shook.

The Sage of Six Paths looked down at the two of them. The wind blew, the broken earth shed dirt, and the air was filled with nothing but tension and silence for moments before he spoke. "...Love," his voice was slow and solemn as though to console Kakashi like a child, "...is a complicated thing."

In that moment, years ago, he had never felt so useless, so hopeless. Now, even though Kakashi was Hokage, even though everyone in the village looked up at his face at the Hokage monument, he knew he still wasn't strong enough to protect her from him. He didn't know if Sakura's heart was strong enough to protect herself.

Ume didn't know this. She didn't need to know.

"This is not an issue that concerns you. Just do your job as usual," Kakashi looked back up with a smile, "...and leave Sasuke to team seven."


End file.
